April 2011
1 post
parenthetical poetry
while searching the interweb for a description of parentheses usage in poems, I happened to stumble across this gem and it really made me smile.
remember ( how we would spend all night watching television as we laughed about the trivial matters of what we were made to be. ) how ( i held your hand, matching your fingers with mine and noticed how much you were growing — the warmth gives...
March 2011
1 post
found poem
this is part of a project for class where we had to use poetry from one of three poets and make our own found poetry after Robert strong came to speak in our class.
This was my attempt, based in about 3/4 Longfellow poems:
Be Not a Long Fellow
Half my life is gone.
I’ve stilled these restless passions,
These aspirations of my youth.
Sights and sounds of Past fall behind me,
As challenging Death...
January 2011
2 posts
December 2010
1 post
random writing
“and the city filled with the fast paced crying of crickets as the alarm blared.
the pond of people and scum stopped to linger and listen.
deep in their dwellings, they were aware simulatneously of their safety and the risk
as the cool hand of winter creeps in under the windowsill with the noise.”
thanks syl.
November 2010
5 posts
current happiness list (thanks to ryan- mostly)
dr. dog- heart it races
architecture in helenski- heart it races [again]
pinback- good to sea
vampire weekend- oxford comma
i needed new music. i needed to feel like i wasn’t falling into a trap of listening to nothing because i’m bored with what i have. i really love music, but sometimes i feel like it’s all the same. these songs just make me happy. and thats all i need...
acting.pretending.indifference.
they all act like i asked for this.
like i begged to be marked unclean and unlovable. i dont understand why i need to be treated differently. and then i dont understand why no one will come out and talk to me about it. why hide your disgust? why not face me and say what you’re thinking insteadl of saying it with your eyes. i know i disgust you. i disgust myself. but why do we have to...
stationary.unmoing.still.
i refuse to be static.
i refuse to stay the same.
i refuse not growing up.
i am not peter pan. i will grow and learn and live and love and lose.
it may not matter to anyone but me what happens to me in the end, but i am going to make it worth my while. i am a big person. i am not small. i am not mediocre. i am willing to let my voice be heard. it IS my time because as the saying goes, there is...
a letter to my love...
Where do i even begin right now. You give me so much trouble but so much strength! although with my multiple self inflicted attacks it may not seem like it, but being with you is the most stable i have ever felt. When I call you my rock, it is not because it is a cutesy cliche remark, but because you have helped me lift myself up from so much pain and darkness. I have struggled a lot throughout my...
choices
Listening to a mix that is guaranteed to make me cry was probably not the best choice i made this morning. Nor was ignoring my lit theory readings, but that’s insignificant.
I just really hate the seperation of my life. I have two lives really. One at Clark and one at home. I wish I could get them together. I love home with Ian and going out with him and his friends, and even the few...
September 2010
5 posts
“Quelquefois je me sens comme ma vie est gaspillée le temps pour me et les gens...”
– pretty much sums it up.
hide and seek
I’ve decided the world is full of two kinds of people. Hiders and seekers. It’s life’s way of giving you perpetual childhood. You either are the type of person who seeks something, be it fame, friendship, knowledge, whatever your passion is, You seek that experience that life is so willing to offer.
And then there are the hiders. They shield themselves from any harsh reality...
i’m going through days like i have so many left, but really, i’m nearly done.
cloud dreams
it’s moments like this when i wish i could paint the clouds. as i write in my notebook for class, the sun sends just a single beam into my window and onto the page. i’m forced to acknowledge the presence of the sky and there above me is a medley of greys and whites and blues all puffing and swaying in perfect unison. i’ve always loved the way the light shines through the cloud...
dreams...
i think i”ve been having so many dreams about people i hate (or who i think/know hate me) being in love with me because i have this secret desire to have everyone love me. i’m eternally jealous of anyone who can walk into a room and have everyone instantly want to be their friend. i have never and probably will never experience that feeling. it must be an extreme of love…
August 2010
1 post
people
it always comes down to who you know, but what about those of us who aren’t great at getting to know people? i put up more walls than i know what to do with and half the time i don’t mean to. i go into all situations now trying to be positive and think about how i’m not the only nervous one and i’m not the only unhappy one, but yet it takes me 45 minutes to open my mouth....
June 2010
1 post
Watchi miss high school french classes. that seems like SOOOO long ago.
coffeesleevetrees:
occurences:
Jacques Brel - Ne me quitte pas
Jean-Claude this is the best!!
May 2010
1 post
class of 007
what really amazes me is that we all started out at the same place. born roughly around the same time. spent roughly our childhood through teenaged years together and yet we’re all on such different paths. it’s amazing to look back and realize who has changed and who has stayed exactly the same. who becomes forgetable and who seems to forget. who left a whole when they left and who we...
April 2010
5 posts
close to a new home
a week from today and im moving in with ian. I have 2 more pages on this essay, another 10 pager and then a 7 page essay and a quiz the 10th and i’m done. finito. i will have one year left of undergraduate school. wow. fuck. what?
almost...
i have one week of classes. with just one paper due at the end and a small test tomorrow. then one more day of class after the weekend and one more big paper due. then home for about 5 days to organize the new apartment with my hubby until i come back tuesday night to take a test and then be done with junior year!!!
fuck yes.
but man will things be different. and some will be greatly missed. and...
future
i dont want to sit here and write this paper. i want to go back to my home with my hubby and live with him and take care of him and play house. in a month this will be a reality and i just want it now. i cant focus on this paper and i dont even care that tomorrow is spree day.
i just want to fast forward a little bit. like i said to my mom last night, i’m not trying to rush my life or...
rockstar
you’re so handsome lying there, snoring gently away on my left arm. you’re breath is calm and soothing. the weight of your face holds my arm in place and as my fingers drift into tingley sleep i dare not move you. you’re so peaceful like this. you look so innocent. you have the soul of a toddler searching for love and attention. between the tingling i feel the bristles on your...
March 2010
7 posts
someday...
someone will look at me and say, you’re worth something…. and i’ll actually believe it.
SERIOUSLY?
wow. fuck you. internet. just wrote a paragraph and it deleted itself. awesome.
anyway. wtf. why, in the past ten minutes, has 4 annoying things happened? like you’re giving your own stereotype a bad name. stop it. you make yourself look badly.
and then when i specifically ask for an afternoon meeting, you ask for a morning one? REALLY? like fuck you. i have a goddamn life and shit to do...
homehomehomehome...
i miss my mommy. i miss my daddy. i miss my ian. i hate being alone when i’m sick. i feel gross and alone and have no one to tell me its gunna be ok. i know its selfish, but nothing helps me feel better when i’m sick than someone to take care of me…
there is sunshine on my hands. the keys on my laptop are sparkling at me. maybe the sun is trying to help. my hands look so much...
train of thought
i just brewed my own coffee without a coffee maker. im wearing green which is the color of the day. therapy was canceled but that give me more time to work on this paper. i have a class with a man who reminds me so much of my dad its crazy in 45 mins and couldnt be happier. i have never felt more sure about the idea of marriage than i do now. except i think im going a little baby crazy. but i want...
“Fabienne: I was looking at myself in the mirror.
Butch: Uh-huh?
Fabienne: I...”
– pulp fiction…
i wish this didnt make me feel how it does…
pride.
its been a really long time since i could actually say i’m proud of something, or since i have even felt any sort of pride in myself. so the fact that i am proud of myself and where i am and what i’ve been doing, is really super.
i’ve been writing a lot more and have a few interesting things started. i made my dad cry with one, so that’s got to mean i’m doing...
George or Second Life
Looking out from his spot on the bed, George could see the entire room. The walls were a cool green, what one might call mint. There was a large window to his left with a solitary tree standing guard outside. Through this window he’d seen the seasons change the tree 108 times. It seemed to him that the tree got to live four different lives every year. There was the winter blizzard that made the...
February 2010
5 posts
dear life,
I would really like it if you became something different. i wouldnt mind a few things staying the same, but here are some minor changes you can make for me:
i want to be beautiful. and not just have someone who loves me say it. i want to hear it from everyone. because i am vain as fuck.
i want to gets lots and lots of money. because to put it simply life, i just dont have enough and money seems...
“I studiously avoid looking at myself in a mirror. It would not be productive. If...”
– Roger Ebert, who adheres to the philosophy: “Resentment is allowing someone to live rent-free in a room in your head.” (via savingpaper)
extremely.
i have 3 friends, out of about 10, who are not those girls who talk about each other behind their back. so 7 of them do. and right now, but maybe im just being paranoid again, one of them is down the hall talking about me. she is complaining about the type of drunk i am. and saying its my own fault i left their apartment crying because i was being obnoxious. which is fine. but it makes me really...
this is how i felt...
so i have to delete an old blog but it was only like 6 posts so i am putting it up here. this is how i felt….
Monday, April 27, 2009
sitting here, in the library, trying to write this paper is so hard. i just looked out the window and imagined what a mushroom cloud covering the city would look like. no more post apocalypse books for this kid. i also feel really stupid. so he says there is...
abandonment
i want to leave. i want to travel. i want to go far away and see new things and never worry about what im not doing because im so busy doing things that i am doing.
wantwantwant.
i need motivation. i need money. i need to try and be happy.
needneedneed.
i am alive. so thats one positive. the world isnt run by overlords from another planets. also good. mars isnt a threat to humanity which makes...
January 2010
5 posts
tired.
there were so many things that should have been done differently.
Bob Dylan Lit Class...
“My love is a red, red rose.”
“So I’m on my way to class and I’m late. And I know my students are fidgeting in their seats already talking about how long they have to wait before they can leave. So I’m rushing and as I rush by the building I am caught off guard and swept off my feet by these rose bushes. Their deep red and delicious scent. I wanted it. I was...
lonesome.
it is hard to be in this bed. it’s hard to have no one to curl up next to and feel safe with. the beginning of vacation i had horrible thoughts while trying to fall asleep of somene breaking in a murdering me or of zombies breaking in and eating my brains (its called paranoia and i’m already looking into it.) but after new years and this insane talk/fight/thing ian and i had i feel...
today.
it’s scary how much emotion one thing can pass on to another if you let it. this book has had me crying all afternoon. i’ve yelled at it and called the characters assholes and bastards. it really is an amazing thing to let yourself be completely enveloped into another life and let everything in their world become everything in yours.
im sad that i choose not to read as much as i used...
December 2009
1 post
“Like the sound of silence calling,
I hear your voice and suddenly
I’m...”
– josh grobin.
days
some days are good and some days are bad. but what about all those days that arent either? today was a day. not bad, but not great. so what was it? just a normal, everyday kinda day.
ray made a good point in class.. for once.. “we are only consious of the times when we are losing. we don’t realize how much we are winning moment by moment.” this really struck me. i feel like i...
November 2009
5 posts
focus.
how does anyone focus when they are too busy counting down the seconds until work ends and the only person who really seems to matter lately comes back? how can i write a full essay when all i want to do is write about how good being around him makes me feel?
i’m not sure what it is or how it happens, but being with ian gets better every time. i feel like i can just be ok and happy and...
1 tag
ideas.
today was a decision making day.
i decided i am a five year old (during my therapy session) and that i throw tantrums and do insane things to try and get attention. (aka i act out) and i need people to help me and support me and be there for me (even though i am scared to death of everyone/being social.
i decided that my next tattoo will be a quote from kurt vonnegut “everything was...
“i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without...”
– i carry your heart with me… (always)
October 2009
4 posts
sometimes living is hard.
sometimes there is sunshine and sometimes there is rain. there are happy moments and sad ones. there is living and there is death. but there are moments of grey clouds, of ordinarity, and of being half alive.
i feel ridiculous. i have never needed one person like this. i tried to be here and be happy and just do it and like feel okay with being at school but i cant. i hate being anywhere ian...
i just really want to feel like i belong. anywhere.
and we never saw the sky again...
today WAS a good day. optimal word is was.
now i am sitting here looking for something sharper than a tack to drag across my arm because frankly they just aren’t sharp enough. they don’t pierce the skin. there is no blood. which is what i want. im bleeding out all the darkness in my body. the dark thoughts. the dark desires. the idea that life is worthless. i want to bleed it all out....