today WAS a good day. optimal word is was.

now i am sitting here looking for something sharper than a tack to drag across my arm because frankly they just aren’t sharp enough. they don’t pierce the skin. there is no blood. which is what i want. im bleeding out all the darkness in my body. the dark thoughts. the dark desires. the idea that life is worthless. i want to bleed it all out. just bleed my whole life out.

and why is my brain resorting to this irrationality? oh weird, a new problem in my life. i have no friends. thats nothing i havent posted on ten million times. i am turning 21 in 13 days. there should be an exclamation mark there, but alas one cannot be found. i have no one who would care to celebrate it with me. i have no friends at clark who know anything about me/are of drinking age. and no one remembers me at home. and i have a feeling that i am not the same person the people who may remember me think i am. plus 90% of that home world knows me for my father. this is why i bleed. i bleed because ian has to offer his work friends to go out with us on his birthday. because there is no one else.  i have no one. i want friends again. so much of me is thinking about getting rid of the biggest and probably best part of my life solely for the reason that i would maybe have friends again. because then i could go out and party with assholes every weekend rather than go home to a boy who says he loves me. there is so much wrong with me i think i am unfixable. but ill know that when i dig through this outer core with knives and razors.

maybe i can just slip silently away in my sleep… then i can be remembered as that girl who died. (wasnt her dad your english teacher? didnt she live in the theater?) i dont care anymore.

at least i have lots of fun new things to talk about during therapy this week.

if i make it there.