sometimes there is sunshine and sometimes there is rain. there are happy moments and sad ones. there is living and there is death. but there are moments of grey clouds, of ordinarity, and of being half alive.

i feel ridiculous. i have never needed one person like this. i tried to be here and be happy and just do it and like feel okay with being at school but i cant. i hate being anywhere ian isnt. i want to go home and get back into his bed and never leave it.

i set up a really high standard for my 21st birthday all my life. it was going to be UNREAL with partying and getting crazy. but i didnt. i went to saratoga springs, knowing no one but ian and we celebrated it the two of us. we went out to a bar and sat and kissed and drank and tumbled into love. it was a little bar, the yankees were playing but we watched a boy sing acoustic ballads from the 80s and got to know the two strangers next to us. the future of us. happiness after 35 years. i see it. i know it. i feel it. i love it.

but now i am dreading life here for another TWO YEARS. i can’t do it. i mean sure, we’ll have the summer. we’ll be living together and that will be a true true test of everything, but this week. if it were a test, we passed. i couldnt imagine a better person to enjoy life with.

not to say we dont have problems. not to say i didnt cry. but tears are expected from someone who thinks cutting is an acceptable alternative.

ok. done.time for mansfield park. excellent.