how does anyone focus when they are too busy counting down the seconds until work ends and the only person who really seems to matter lately comes back? how can i write a full essay when all i want to do is write about how good being around him makes me feel?

i’m not sure what it is or how it happens, but being with ian gets better every time. i feel like i can just be ok and happy and comfortable. its hard to imagine a world alone now. i still get sad and i still think that i dont deserve to be alive, but all that becomes so much more inconsequential when im right here. when i lie in this bed and set myself up in this apartment, everything thats bad and scary and overwhelming in the real world disappears. i am at peace with the fact that i have what so few people are offered. i’ve been given happiness. i’ve been given love. i’ve been given a kindred spirit.

i just wish i could bemore confident in myself. everything i do is wrong because i have no faith in ever being right. this degree is useless. teaching is not my dream. i dont want to ever have to fall back on it. i dont even want a real job. i want to float. and be happy with nothing but the person i love next to me. i dont need things so i dont need piles of money. i always thought lauren had it right. live a life for yourself and dont try to fulfill any expectations but your own. even that damn jeep commercial makes a point. i dont want to be overburdened with the lives of assholes who think they matter on tv. i couldnt care less what the kardashians are up to or who is the next top model. i want to live a life without constantly comparing it to other peoples.

this essay is useless. i am regurgitating things i read in articles and making them appear to be my own ideas. i have no ideas of my own about this novel. about this author. about his narration style. but it has to be done. i have to get a piece of paper that says i spent four years pretending to love literature more than i actually do. awesome.