it is hard to be in this bed. it’s hard to have no one to curl up next to and feel safe with. the beginning of vacation i had horrible thoughts while trying to fall asleep of somene breaking in a murdering me or of zombies breaking in and eating my brains (its called paranoia and i’m already looking into it.) but after new years and this insane talk/fight/thing ian and i had i feel asleep no problem. i even fell asleep with him holding me, which is not something i usually allow myself to do. for now, and i say this not because i am losing faith but because i am a pessimist, i am really in love. i’ve allowed this boy into my heart and he has pierced it, in a good way. i don’t feel like i have to care so much about what everyone else thinks about it. i thought going home i would be disappointed about not seeing all my “friends” so much, but i got to see who mattered. i spent a great day in noho with rach, hung out with katie a few times, and had some really good times playing games with ians co workers. thats what matters. not some people who used to know me and are now more interested in being awesome than keeping in touch. i thought that i might be disappointed when i didnt see pj before he left for england, but im nore disappointed that i didnt get to see isaac again because he seemed generally interested in me versus doing drugs. which seems like more of a thing a friend would do. i even texted with emily. yes sir, things are changing. static is nice, but change is ok. it has definitely been a problem for me before, what with the change of living in worcester and not feeling appreciated and all that, but i think it’s going to be ok. i even have bonded more with ian’s parents, mainly his mom, and that feels good. as much as i miss ian already i miss my parents. they’ve been nothing bua amazing this whole past month and i feel like i didnt get to see them enough. i wish i had spent more time with my mom. sometimes shes so closed and quiet and other times she really opens up, which i LOVE. i feel blessed that i am able to connect so well to the people who conceived me. not everyone gets that and i feel very lucky to have them in my life.

new years resolution (a tad late, but better late than never) : lose weight, as always, and be happier. appreciate living more. and stop feeling like everyone is out to get me.

i hope this lasts…