so i have to delete an old blog but it was only like 6 posts so i am putting it up here. this is how i felt….

Monday, April 27, 2009

sitting here, in the library, trying to write this paper is so hard.
i just looked out the window and imagined what a mushroom cloud covering the city would look like. no more post apocalypse books for this kid.
i also feel really stupid.
so he says there is nothing going on and i believe him. but i don’t trust her. i don’t trust someone who gets fucked up and send messages asking guys when their girlfriends will leave so they can hang out. its messed up.
i just really want everything to go back the way it was. back to what it was like when i was happy and carefree and relentlessly in love. i couldn’t wait to give my heart to ian. now i am waiting to see if i get it back whole.
i’d like to stop prying and spying and being and untrusting girlfriend, but i can’t. not yet.
i think i’d still say yes if he proposed. does that make me an idiot?
it’s a painful truth to realize that the person you love is the one person who can kill you. Posted by Kmac at 4:34 PM 0 comments

Thursday, April 23, 2009

i am dwelling.
i am DWELLING.
i am DWELLING on this stupid stupid issue.
i cant get it out of my head. i cant stop thinking about you with her. i try so hard to ignore it. i try so hard to let it go.
i am so not over it. and you get angry at me for thinking about it. but its the only thing i think about.
part of me thinks the only way to get over this would be to break up.
but i know if we break up, i break. i fall apart. my life goes downhill faster than i will realize.
i want so badly for this to work, but im the reason it’s not working.

i hate myself so much more than i hate her. Posted by Kmac at 9:59 PM 0 comments

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

YOU DO NOT LIVE HERE YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE. YOU HAVE YOUR OWN FUCKING ROOM. MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO THERE ONCE IN A WHILE. I FUCKING HATE YOU AND YOUR STUPID UGLY GIRLFRIEND. FUCK YOU BOTH. I WISH THAT PEOPLE LIKE YOU DIDN’T EXIST. YOU MAKE LIFE FOR THE REST OF US A THOUSAND TIMES WORSE.
i hate having a terrible roommate.
Posted by Kmac at 4:32 PM 0 comments i cant focus on ANYTHING other than you with someone else. i am constantly focused on how much harm you could do to me. how easily you could end every good thing i have. im so worried about this.
the pit of my stomach drops every time i look at the picture, but i can’t stop myself. i can’t look away. i keep finding it open on my screen and i just stare it down.
i am drowning myself.
everything i am feeling i am doing to myself.
i wish i could stop feeling so sick. so nauseous.
i want to vomit on the screen. Posted by Kmac at 3:41 PM 0 comments

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

this ones for me.

i dont want followers, i dont want to follow anyone.
i just want to write my thoughts and feelings and maybe then i can find myself. because i am lost. i am sailing a sea of emotion. right now my boat is rickety. i have a life vest, but how long will it save me? my vest, and by that i mean he, keeps me floating, but in such rough seas, is it worth even sailing? i also don’t fully appreciate said life vest. he is trying so hard to keep my floating, but because he is on the other side of the boat, i slip into the water and the salty sea blurs my vision. i can’t see ahead of me. i don’t know where i am going. i don’t even know why i bother to sail.
i don’t know if i can or even want to bother, to stay afloat.
yesterday i burnt my arm with a cigarette. i’d like to burn my whole body. cut it apart with pain.
i don’t know anymore. Posted by Kmac at 11:28 AM 0 comments