wow. fuck you. internet. just wrote a paragraph and it deleted itself. awesome.

anyway. wtf. why, in the past ten minutes, has 4 annoying things happened? like you’re giving your own stereotype a bad name. stop it. you make yourself look badly.

and then when i specifically ask for an afternoon meeting, you ask for a morning one? REALLY? like fuck you. i have a goddamn life and shit to do and like you’re just a bitch. fuck you. FUCK YOU. FUCKYOUUUUUU!

really though? whatthefuck. i hate when i get into this mood. i get SO ANGRY. i feel like how hulk must feel right before the shirt begins to rip. if i had my way and things fixed themselves afterwards, i would be smashing EVERYTHING in this apartment. i would like to rip the lamps down and smash the burning bulbs into my palms. then rip every pillow until the feathers turned into snow. i would like to go in all the rooms and find precious things and smash/rip/tear/crush/burn/destroy them. in I LOVE YOU, MAN he says, “i’m a man, i have instincts.” well i think he meant, “i am a primal being, i have instincts.” i want to destroy the world with all this anger. but i wont. i’ll push it in deeply until something REALLY bad happens and then i will use all the anger on myself, resulting in another burn or cut or bruise. i lost a notebook and beat myself up. literally. hit my arm til it stung. i’m so healthy. i am so mentally stable. it would feel like to jam another burning stick of nicotine into my skin. just to have that moment of intolerable pain to cool me down. but rambling on this suffices. i am able to get out a lot of frustration when i type. or write.

i wrote 3 stories in my head today that will never be remembered and which will disappear into the infinity that is the mind. i wonder if years down the way people will have the same thoughts or ideas that i did and write them as i would. i’d like to think that. that someday my ideas and stories and dreams will be known. maybe.

i want a place to be and belong. a hideaway of sorts. i’d like to hide in the stacks of the library one night and just be in there all night long and have no one be the wiser. i wonder if it’s possible. or if anyone has done it. maybe i’ll make that a goal before i graduate.

i dont know.